Now I did quite enjoy "John Carter" with Taylor Kitsch from 2012 but yikes what have they done to the story here? Antonio Sabato Jr in the "Carter" role makes Kitsch look like Marlon Brando. He's just dreadful. To be fair, the third-rate CGI doesn't help, nor does the pretty awful script or the fact that he is clearly there (shirt off) to complement the even less glorious talents of the eponymous character (Dejah Thoris) who seems to have based her characterisation on an over-exposed, sepia-tinted, version of "Wonder Woman". Somebody decided that the US operations in the Middle East was a better starting point and it all goes downhill quite continuously from there. I did quite like the worm thing that spurted out the nutritious milk as our character finds himself transported from Earth to the deserts of Mars where he soon becomes embroiled in a war for the survival of his warlike and horned captors. Luckily he can jump. Boy, can he jump - just not far enough to escape the ensuing nonsense that is reminiscent of Glen A. Larson's "Buck Rogers in the ...". Did "Jabba the Hut" lend out his sailing barge too? It's not the end of the world - though you can see that from here, it's just derivative and trashy.