Godzilla vs. Kong is the biggest scam since Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. It promises a battle of epic proportions, but doesn't have the balls to give us a winner. The late introduction of Mechagodzilla is meant to give the titular characters a common enemy, allowing them to put their differences – whatever these may be – aside and work together. They want to have their cake and eat it too.

The film tries to sell us on the idea that Earth is too small for two “alpha titans.” It doesn't occur to anyone that it might be too small for just one; then again, given that both Kong’s and Godzilla’s presence lacks weight, mass, volume, and depth, neither of them can be said to take up physical space on the planet (not to mention that most of the ‘real world’ surrounding them has been as unconvincingly rendered as they have).

It is, however, during an expedition to the so-called Hollow Earth that the VFX department really blows its CGI wad. There is no excess they won’t indulge in, and yet it’s not enough to hide the fact that Earth isn't the only hollow thing here – so is the script, which is unable to give us a single good reason why we should care about the skirmishes between a giant lizard and a giant gorilla.

You can't have two characters fight each other just because, no matter how ‘cool’ it might seem in theory; they must have a compelling motive, lest the audience loses interest in the outcome. This is such a basic concept that even the later, lesser Rocky installments understand it. But here, Godzilla and Kong just don't seem to like each other very much; even Tom and Jerry, who at least are natural enemies, have a better excuse for their enmity.

To sum up, 1) we don't know why a primate and a reptile would want to fight to the death; 2) the explanation the movie provides doesn’t make sense (I mean, Hollow Earth? Puh-lease!); 3) Kong and Godzilla are so phony-looking there is never any concern that they will hurt one another, however much they try; and 4) it's a foregone conclusion that neither is going to take a dive, needed as they are for the inevitable sequels. All things considered, why watch this movie when you can see Peter Griffin fight a giant chicken on YouTube?